#*shrimp fried rice voice* are you telling me that there's social in this media

[enneamage]

Back in July you mentioned you were going to make a series of posts under the #Parasocial Activity tag. What happened to those?

Whoops, I figured I dropped a thread somewhere. I was also trying to keep the blog more on-topic than I am nowadays so I could circle back to the topic again if people want to hear more about what I think. I know the use of the word and the attitudes around ‘being parasocial’ were driving me crazy but I got a lot out in that long post so I was satisfied for a while.

I can do one now honestly, my day just freed up.

I’ve been talking with a friend of mine a lot about how ‘parasocial relationships’ are a lot less of a binary then people treat them as right now. I’m working off of a very underdeveloped and non-academic understanding of how people are actually meant to use the word, but so are the people in the gaming space so it kind of breaks even. I still hold that Bo Burnham doing the initial “I love you!” “No you don’t you love the idea of me that’s a parasocial relationship” interaction still has this conversation by the throat and most haven’t fully moved past that deflection. I am clawing at the iron gates of Google Scholar, let me in.

As soon as people were able to type out ‘hi’ and receive a ‘hi’ back from a streamer or a celebrity of choice, things got real complicated real fast in terms of parasocial thinking. I’ve been talking to that friend about their venture into Kpop and the way that some of the apps available in Korea are designed to accommodate for crowd-idol contact, and it seems like in the grand scheme of things we’re going to be moving a bit closer to that as a planet rather than further away. I don’t think this is innately bad but we do need to get smarter with how we talk about this kind of social contact, because we’re going to keep moving in this direction as people and it will be good to be able to talk about mental and social skills around it.

The ‘sin’ that doesn’t get talked about is that public figures relate to their audience parasocially as well. Most CCs have a loose sense of the character of their audience, because it’s basic human behavior to seek out patterns, especially if they’re going to affect you in some way. While talking with my Kpop friend it came up that positive (or any) feelings for groups and collectives outside of knowing someone on a face-to-face basis is treated as more valid in collectivistic cultures. Inversely, the rugged individualists of the Americas and Europe focus on the inner and outer workings of the individual, sometimes to an excessive degree. ‘I love my audience’ is sometimes taken as immediate bullshit among jaded people who are suspicious of anything parasocial, but logically it varies from case to case. (Ironically this is the ‘you can’t love me you don’t know me’ logic as well.)

Even if you let someone into your life and have regular personal contact with them, they can still get you wrong. Feeling misunderstood and unheard is one of the most basic human problems, and while parasocial contact can put that on blast for the sheer volume of people and the imperfect information they have to work with, it’s not determined by the social-parasocial divide. Not everyone is going to come to the same conclusions about someone because not everyone has good judgement or can #relate, but the idea that nobody who hasn’t spoken a direct word to someone personally can understand someone at least a little just seems divorced from reality.

It all just comes back around again to me thinking that it’s dumb to use ‘parasocial’ as a gotcha in the year 2023, as though ‘being parasocial’ is a thing you become if you’re bad and not just a human who is exposed to another human and thinks about them in any depth.    

[livexdolan]

Sushi ~e.d

A/n: ok so, yes, this is another Ethan story, I’m sorry I can’t help it, he’s my baby. Anywho- this is based off a lucid dream I had A WHILE ago- but are we surprised this took me so long to write? (the answer’s no lol) I was just mentioning the whole dream thing because, this is my story so of course it doesn’t make complete sense- sue me. 

Summary: You’re going out for dinner to your favorite Japanese restaurant that happens to be packed. The only available seats are at the sushi bar next to two young guys You don’t realize you know the two men until it’s too late- but is this just a blessing in disguise?

Warnings; Fluff, anxiety, fluff, and, oh hey- some more fluff.

Word Count: 2.2k

Tags; @episkygrant (my bup :)) and @georgia302

ALSO- THE TWINS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE 18 IN THIS SO DON’T COME FOR ME!! OK, ENJOY :))

“Would you just walk?!” I exclaimed, pushing- or trying I should say- my 6 4’ dad through the little curtain that has a very large sumo wrestler that never fails to creep me out. 

My mom just sighs behind us, “Kevin would you stop being an ass, we’re all- oh,” my mom stops mid-scold. We all stand close to the corner as we look around our favorite local Japanese restaurant.

The place is packed, every table and booth occupied by families or teens chatting loudly. Waitresses move around quickly table to table and I just happen to see that the sushi bar seems to have empty seats. “Good evening, Welcome to Wasabi, is it just the three of you tonight?” The hostess asks us.

“Y-yes, just the three of us,” My mom replies still seemingly shocked at how many people are in the small place. 

“Okay, I’m sorry but there’s a 30-minute wait on any booths and tables right now-”

“Can’t we sit at the sushi bar?” I say, pointing over to the counter where two people are sitting, three seats open on the left of them, and three on the right of them. My parents look at each other, me, then the hostess, my dad raising his eyebrows as though he’s asking if that’s okay.

“Yes, of course, I’m sorry I should’ve asked if you’d be fine sitting there,” She smiles at us, grabbing three menus.

“Oh, it’s totally cool, no worries,” My mom smiles reassuring the hostess, who now that I’m getting a closer look at, seems to be new.  

We make our way over to the bar when one of the men sitting at the counter turns to the other, giving me a view of his side profile that I know way too well. I can’t help stopping completely, my mom bumping into me and asking what’s wrong. 

My throat feels tight, my hands are clammy and my mouth feels like someone just stuffed cotton in it. “Y/n, are you okay?” My mom questions worry evident in her eyes as she searched my glossed over ones.

I can’t speak, I can only move my eyes between my mom and the two tall, loud men sitting at the sushi bar. My mouth keeps opening and I can only imagine that I look something like a fish out of water. No way is it them.

My dad sits next to them and looks back, realizing my mom and I are not following him anymore his brows furrow and he looks around confused at what’s happening. “Oh- honey is that- are those the-” I cut my mom off by nodding my head rapidly. 

“I-” I clear my throat trying to dislodge the lump in my throat, “I’m going to go to the bathroom,” I push past my mom and keep my head down as I pass the sushi bar and avoid my dad’s worried looks. 

I glance up and see the older twin filming a snap video of his younger twin messily eating a piece of sushi and they both start laughing. I walk down the small hallway and go into the bathroom. Looking myself in the mirror I pray that this isn’t a dream. 

Okay, breathe, it’s just the Dolan Twins sitting at the sushi bar at the local restaurant in your town, sitting next to your parents at the sushi bar. I look at myself in the mirror and try to fix my hair a little, shifting my shirt out of habit. I add a little bit of chapstick to my lips.

I take a deep breath and walk back out into the loud restaurant. When I get back to the sushi bar I’m surprised- to say the least- to see that everyone’s shifted down to the right one seat, leaving me with nowhere to sit.

That’s not what has my mouth hanging open- it’s the loud obnoxious laughs coming from not only my parents- but the twins as well. Holy shit. My parents are laughing and joking with Ethan and Grayson fucking Dolan. 

I slowly make my way over to my mom who’s sitting in the seat that was supposed to be mine. I shyly tap her shoulder, she turns around and gives me a soft smile, “Oh, honey! We had to move down but there’s a seat next to Ethan.”

I bite my lip and look up, seeing that I’ve become the center for attention. I make eye contact with the older twin and he smiles at me, calming me a little bit as I start to stumble over to the seat next to him my hands start to sweat and I crack my knuckles out of habit when nervous, “O-ok.”

I try my best to gracefully slide into the high seat next to him without leaning too close to him. He does a quick scan over my body, his tongue coming out to lick his lips before he clears his throat and looks up at me. Once he notices that I’m already staring at him he blushes, and I feel like my entire body flushes and is on fire.

He sends me a shy smile and I bite my lip to hide the wide grin that is fighting its way onto my face. I feel like I’ve just won a medal or something, I made Ethan Dolan blush. 

“Ok, so I’m Ethan, and I’m assuming you’re Y/n. Your parents told us a bit about yourself.”

“Oh God,” I groan, putting my head in my hands and pushing my hair back before looking at him again and very shyly asking, “what’d they tell you?”

He chuckles at my reaction and I realize that his laugh is my favorite sound- on and off-camera. His dimples show as he replies casually, in a cocky tone, “Just that you’re 17, a senior, really into YouTube…” he trails off and sends me a teasing smirk.

“Great!” I say sarcastically, “so they told you I watch y’alls videos?”

“And that you might have some Dolan Twins merch in the back of your closet- I was a little upset to hear you don’t wear it much anymore, to be honest.” 

I drop my head to the counter with a small strangled noise then sit back up straight and clear my throat looking him dead in his hazel eyes, “Ok, look- stop making that face,” I point an accusatory finger at him as he bites his lip to suppress his smile and holds his hands up in surrender, I roll my eyes at him, “I’m not like- I don’t know everything about you and a bunch of weird facts and shit like ‘Did you know Ethan Dolan sprained his right knee when he was 4 years old after his sister pushed him down the stairs?’ Ok? Yes, I watch your videos, yes I follow you on social media, yes I’ve been watching you since like before 4OU, Yes- ok, I used to have a fan account at one point- but I’m not like that anymore. I got your merch for my birthday a year ago and I- I don’t really fit it anymore so I don’t wear it. Ok,” I take a deep breath, “that’s it.”

“Wow- okay, a lot of information to process but I think I get it now. I’m sorry for teasing you, I was just joking.”

“I know you were- but I also know that you two deal with crazy fans and I want you to know I’m not one of them.”

He sends me a smile and is about to say something when we’re interrupted by the waitress placing my food in front of me. My mouth starts to water at the sight of one of my favorite meals- shrimp fried rice. “Damn, that looks good,” Ethan hums from next to me.

I look up at him through my lashes, “You want to split it with me? There’s no way I’ll be able to finish this, I never do,” I laugh and gesture to the bowl. 

“Oh no, it’s-” his eyebrows raise at my stern look, and I slightly push the bowl closer to him, putting it right between us, he sighs and gives me a crooked smile, picking up his silverware, “I guess one bite wouldn’t hurt, right?” I nod my head, agreeing with him, and hand him the soy sauce.

Twenty minutes later we were laughing and we had all fallen into a very comfortable flow of chatter and silence and my nerves were dissolved almost fully. My mom and dad get up with Grayson to go over and pay the bill while Ethan and I finish up our food.

As Ethan steals a shrimp from my designated side of the bowl- again- I hit his fork with mine causing him to drop it and his fork hits the side of the bowl with a loud clatter, making everyone look at us as we both just look at each other. We both grow red in the face and start laughing.

Once our laughter died down a little I realized I was getting a little chilly so I set my fork down and rubbed my bare arms to try and get some warmth. “You cold?” 

Ethan’s voice startles me slightly and I just smile at him before grabbing my fork again to steal my shrimp back, “Just a little, but m’fine. It’s not that bad.”

He sighs and shakes his head slightly, “Well, I don’t believe you,” I’m about to question him when he stands up abruptly. He starts tugging his large hoodie off his body, as he pulls it over his head, his long-sleeve comes up a little. I blush before quickly averting my eyes from his prominent v-line and try to keep my mind from diving head-first into the gutter, “Here,” he says in a soft, but commanding voice, pushing the hoodie towards me.

I sigh and look up at him, “What’re the chances of you still giving me that hoodie even if I tell you I’m really not that cold and I’ll be fine?” I raise an eyebrow at him.

He smiles at me, his dimples showing and the mole on his cheek raising slightly. He shrugs and pushes it into my lap, “Very high.”

I shake my head and slide out of my seat, “Fine,” I pull the hoodie on over my head and as I pull my hair out the back, I feel a hand against my face lightly pushing the hair out of my face.

My breath hitches as my eyes meet Ethan’s. He leans in closer, his lips brushing against my cheek before going to my ear, “What’re the chances of you giving me your phone number so we can hang out again and keep in touch?” 

I look up at him through my lashes, grabbing his hand and leaning up to his ear, whispering just as softly as he did, “Very high.”

I pull away slowly and he smiles at me. When I return the smile he winks. I snort and roll my eyes, grabbing my phone off the bar, I hand it to him as he pushes his phone into my hand. Already pulled up to a new contact page, I put in my number and name into his phone. I quickly open his camera and take a picture with my tongue out, fingers up in a ‘peace’ symbol with my right eye dropped into a wink, I set that as my contact photo before he suddenly grabs me and pulls me into his arms. 

I gasp as my back meets his hard chest and he wraps one arm around me, my phone in his other hand, the camera pulled up and pointing towards our faces, “Smile baby,” he kisses the side of my head quickly before smiling at the camera. My face flushes deep red and I grin at the camera. The butterflies in my stomach from the pet name are so strong that I feel like I might fall over. 

“Okay, lovebirds, let’s go,” Grayson’s voice brings us back to reality and I realize that my parents have already stepped outside. 

We walk outside and I pull the sleeves of Ethan’s hoodie further down so that I can grab them with my hands, making ‘hoodie paws’ as some people put it. I look down to hide the constant blush that’s on my face when Ethan wraps his arm around my waist again. I look over at my parents, worried to see their reactions only to find them smiling softly at us before looking away once they saw I was watching them.

I turn and bury my head in Ethan’s chest, wanting to feel his warmth again and have him hug me. I wrap my arms around his neck and he ducks his head down to put it in the crook of my neck, his scent completely engulfs just like it did when I put his hoodie on and I smile at the sweet, soothing smell. We can faintly hear my parents getting Grayson’s number and bidding him goodbye. 

We reluctantly pull away from each other, very slowly. Ethan smiles at me and kisses my nose, “I promise you- we’re going to hang out soon. I’ll call you later, yeah?”

“You better,” I say back and lean up to kiss his nose.

I turn out of his grip and go to quickly hug Grayson, “It was so nice meeting you,” I grin up at him and he mirrors my expression.

“It was awesome meeting you too, Y/n, you have some pretty cool parents,” he chuckles.

I look over at my parents saying goodbye to Ethan before my mom catches my eye and winks. I turn back to Grayson, “Yeah, I really do.”

[kingneptunesthinninghead]

How much do you weigh? what a weirdly personal question

If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? sitting in the shade reading a book

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them? yes but not in a way that will ever be truly fulfilling

What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? i live in a very rural area so i grew up with hunting for sport extremely normalized but once i actually developed and used my critical thinking skills i realized how morally reprehensible it is. literally just begging these people to use their brains.

Do you have a fairly fast or slow internet connection? eh its pretty fast

Have you ever been someplace tropical? florida lmao

Are you sensitive to caffeine? somewhat. i dont really consume it that much

How do you usually get around? driving myself

Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? no bc i’m generally pretty independent unless i reallyyyy like someone

What do you think about Kim Kardashian? neutral

Can you speak any French? je parle un peu français

Favorite yogurt flavor? i’m lactose intolerant so i recently tried dairy free yogurt and i hated it sooo i guess none

How much money do you have in your wallet right now? i dont have any cash in my wallet rn lol

What bottled water brand do you like? deer park or aquafina

Your favorite way to eat chocolate? brownies

How often do you listen to country music? sometimes.

Linkin Park or Avenged Sevenfold? neither

Last surgery you had? my wisdom teeth surgery

Have you ever played guitar? no but i wish i could

Is there someone in your life whose career/life choices you find immoral/unethical? Have you ever told that person your views? Do you find it difficult to support them (emotionally or otherwise) because of their choices? um i dont think so

What trait do you feel you lack that you wish you possessed? a little more confidence

Have you ever considered writing your memoirs? maybe

Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? i dont have very many online friends anymore but when i had a bunch i loved talking to them

Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? only for something i really like.

Do you have any stickers on your laptop? a bunch

Would you rather have a job for which you had to go in early in the morning or one you had to stay late into the evening at? early in the morning so then i have the rest of the day to myself when i get off

Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? i have a workout app but that’s it.

Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? my mom, sister, and my 2 best friends

If you could’ve been at any historical event, which would you have liked to witness firsthand? probably the women’s suffrage movement or the civil rights movement

Is there something that you really want to do but are afraid of doing? If so, why are you afraid of doing it?i want to tell him how i feel but i’m afraid i’ll ruin the friendship

What is something society “expects” you to do that you don’t want to do and/or don’t plan on doing? wear a tampon i’m sorry but i can’t do it

Have Jehovah's Witnesses ever come to your door? no

Are you well-known by people in your area? eh somewhat

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no and i dont want to

What's your favourite type of bird? owls!!

What tv show(s) have you been watching currently? i’m watching loki, hsmtmts, planning to watch s2 of never have i ever, and i started one piece but i haven’t watched in a while

Have you ever dated a smoker? no but that might change😳

Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? no

Have you ever been a member in a band? No.

Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No.

Do you have separate emails for personal and business? i have my school email and personal email

Have you ever missed a flight? no

Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? i think so.

Have you ever taken a ride in a convertible? i literally rode in my best friend’s convertible last night lmao

Why did you last need to use a band-aid? i dont remember

What fruit do you eat most often? bananas and clementines

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? maybe my great uncle?

Has someone ever tried to start an argument with you over Facebook? What happened? no but i’ve been in a few on insta and twitter.

Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? i don’t straight up drink milk but i love things made with almond milk.

If you could experience life as a Disney princess for a week, which princess would you pick and why? elsa i want ice powers

When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? sometimes but normally during the day i’m in the living room with my family

If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? No.

Do you find piercings attractive? Yep.

Do you like potato chips? Loooove 'em.

What’s the most stalker-like/creepy thing you’ve ever done? If you don’t think you’ve done anything like that, what’s the most stalker-like thing someone’s done to you? i’ve looked up a few people’s houses on zillow in my day.

Do you think it’s a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it’s assault? absolutely, you shouldn’t hit anyone

What’s your favorite old Disney movie and favorite new Disney movie? my top 3 are princess and the frog, tangled, and frozen 2. i also love the little mermaid

Name something “trendy” or popular that you dislike. idrk

“Dirty talk” in the bedroom…love it, like it, don’t care, dislike it, or hate it? it depends on what it is. it should also be mixed with some loving or praise talk imo

What is/are your favorite type(s) of ethnic food, and what’s your favorite food within that type? i LOVE italian food specifically fettuccine alfredo and i also love asian food such as general tso’s, sweet and sour chicken, lo mein, shrimp fried rice, LUMPIA 🤤

How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? i’ve always liked my hair color and thickness. i always go back and forth between growing it out long and cutting it short bc i can never choose which i like more also it has lots of red undertones so i’m thinking about dyeing it a deep red

How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? hypothetically it would be a red flag to me. a clear sign they haven’t moved on from the past

Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? a good smelling cologne on a man will quite literally make me bust a nut.

Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? i’d want them to unless it didnt fit or something

What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? i’m very close with my family so i’ve always loved the idea of having one of my own with my future spouse

Is having your “dream” wedding really that important to have? i definitely have ideas for my wedding and i would want it to go a certain way according to our plan but in the end if things go wrong or plans change it wouldn’t matter as long as i’m marrying the loml.

Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a strip club and then doesn’t tell you? i wouldn’t consider it cheating if he was just watching but i would be angry that he hid it from me

How old is too old for trick-or-treating? i dont think it matters unless ur posing a danger to little children

Do you sleep with your arms over or under the covers? depends but mostly under

Do you own any t-shirts of your favorite band? i have nsync and harry styles shirts but thats it

Fries or onion rings? Fries.

True/False: you’ve had an odd dream this week. all the time but most of the time i forget them right after i wake up

Do you find tattoo sleeves attractive? depends

Do you like carving pumpkins? Yeah.

What’s an animal you want to have as a pet but can’t? i think raccoons are adorable but its kindaaaa hard to domesticate them

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? no bc my parents let me drink in the house and i’ve told them abt every time i’ve drank at college

How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? i would absolutely piss and shit on myself.

Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? no

The person you have a crush on is drunk and goes to kiss you, you know they don’t realize what they’re doing, but do you kiss anyways? i would stop it even if i want to bc i don’t want them to regret anything and i wouldn’t want them to kiss me if they don’t like me bc it would hurt too much.

What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? i would love them all but something abt a guy taking the time to write a poem for me makes me melt

Do you any shirts with any kind of images of food on them? no.

Which holiday is the most fun to decorate for? halloween

What was the first website you had an email account on? gmail

Have you ever written a fanfic? YES AHSHDH.

Tattoos or piercings? tats for sure.

What’s the last gross movie/show/video you saw? the scene where alexei breaks the inmate’s wrist in black widow is SO GROSS i cringe every time

Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one? definitely a little cozy one

Do you have a tutor for anything? No.

Who’s the best kisser you know? i’ve only kissed one person.

Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No. I'd like it to stay that way.

(If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you "shortie" instead of girl? no and i hope they dont

Do you have a deep voice? not really

Do you play games with boys/girls, like 'hard to get’? no thats dumb

Is there a Sonic where you live? yes i’m a whore for sonic

What do you like on your pizza? pepperoni or sausage

[ddaengt]

Got a new social media AU going on 👀 this is just a teaser lol.

“So”

“Don’t even..”

“So you’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?”

“I kinda want to choke you”

“Oh please....”

“Professor l/n?”

Oh shit, you recognized that voice, did they hear that?!?

“And... professor Barnes? Are you guys...”

Oh no no no

[lovelylapins]

social media

day 26: social media for @auyeahaugust

ko-fi

god i waited so long for this one omg

Ladybug watched him with narrowed eyes and arms crossed as he landed on a rooftop overlooking the nearby park. She looked absolutely pissed, and Adrien would be lying to himself if he said it didn’t turn him on just a little bit.

Okay, he was lying. It was more than a little bit.

“You’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?” is the first time to come out from her mouth. Already a weird statement, but coming from her mouth seemed even more confusing, had Adrien not remembered where it came from.

Or, remembered the tweet he had sent last night on Chat Noir’s personal Twitter, the tweet that had blown up way too fast for him to control and had already made its way onto various sites, making commentary on the superhero’s very random post.

“It was funny,” he offers.

“Funny?”

He grins, hands held out in surrender. “Okay, a little more than funny.”

Ladybug huffs, arms still crossed, and her nose scrunched up in that adorable way it always did when she was thinking of what to say. Stepping closer, Adrien couldn’t help the way his mind went a little fuzzy as she spoke.

“Chat, these are our professional accounts,” she starts, voice just so strong and assertive, “We can’t just goof off on them. The people look to us for information, not the latest joke to come out of your mouth.”

“Actually, it’s not from my mouth. I typed it with my fingers.”

“Chat…” she warns.

“Okay, okay,” he says, hands coming up. “I get it. We shouldn’t tweet whatever whenever. But you’re just as much to blame.”

Ladybug blinks, stepping back. “Excuse me?”

“Remember that tweet you liked a week ago?” Adrien did. He put it on repeat in his brain over and over, his own method of counting sheep at night and passing time in class.

She had liked a tweet from his most recent photoshoot. Adrien Agreste’s most recent photoshoot.

Going red, she frowned, before opening her mouth in the hopes of finding something to say in response. “Well,” she says after a moment, “that doesn’t really count. It was an accident.”

“Was it now?”

“My hand slipped and I accidentally liked a tweet from someone I follow!” she exclaims, defending herself.

Adrien’s grin was huge, leaning in and being dangerously close to her face. “You only follow me, wonderbug.”

Ladybug’s hand comes out, pushing him back before their noses touched. Turning her head, she glared out into the street.

“Well,” she mutters, “can you blame me? It was a good photoshoot, Chat.”

The grin on his face is enough to make Ladybug ask if he’s alright, to which he responds with a tight-lipped nod before leaping (and almost falling in the process) over to the next rooftop.

[pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles]

If You’re Gone (Girls Talk  Boys part 32)

I think I've already lost you I think you're already gone I think I'm finally scared now You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong

If you're gone, maybe it's time to come home There's an awful lot of breathing room But I can hardly move If you're gone, baby you need to come home, come home There's a little bit of something me In everything in you

Ashton got to Cal's about 20 minutes after Cher texted him. He knocked but when he got  no answer he opened the door and let himself in, the place was a wreck. Calum had flipped his coffee table over slinging things across the room and he'd  kicked a hole in the drywall by his front door. Ashton carefully made his way around the mess hearing Calum upstairs. He saw the refrigerator door open and went to close it before heading up noticing the whiskey Calum had just bought was not there.

Ashton jogged up the stairs and peeked into Calum's bedroom. Seeing no sign of man or beast as he made his way down the hall. Calum had a 2 bedroom unit and had turned the second room into a gym/music room. He was sitting at his piano with his back to the door and Duke at his feet half slurring half singing “If You’re Gone” by Matchbox 20. Ashton shook his head, he knew this was gonna be a mess. He put a hand on Calum's shoulder causing him to look up with a tear streaked face and unfocused eyes.

“What happened?” Ashton hadn't ever seen Cal look this dejected.

“I fucked up,” Calum hung his head and sniffled fighting back tears again scooting over so Ashton could sit next to him.

“Did Camille break up with you? Cal I don't understand what's going on,” Ashton was puzzled.

“I acted like a complete asshole towards Camille, and she's probably never going to speak to me again. She's already blocked my number on her phone and all her social media,” Calum slumped against his shoulder and reached for the bottle before Ashton grabbed it.

“Getting sick everywhere won't make you feel better tomorrow” Ashton told him taking a swig himself draping his arm across his friend as Calum alternated between babbling and crying trying to explain the fight with Camille.

Cher pulled into the airport's unloading zone and took a deep breath. Both women had been crying as Camille told Cher everything that went down. Camille was devastated by the argument  and pissed beyond words but Cher knew she had the ability to compartmentalize and decide she wasn't dealing with Calum right now. With him deleted and blocked she had to focus on work and put her personal life on hold until she got back. Cher had always admired Camille's ability to just that, but also knew it was her way of avoiding dealing with her problems. She helped Camille with her bags and gave her a hug.

“You're gonna be great Cam, don't let this shit get to you. Calum knows he fucked up,” Cher cupped Camille's face in her hands sharing the sadness in her friend's eyes.

With a flash the sorrow vanished and Camille was angry and again Cher knew she was more comfortable being mad,  as Camille didn't do sadness well.

“Are you guys done? He thinks you broke up with him,” Cher asked her.

“No I mean, I don't think so. He really fucked up and pulling this right now made it so much worse. I'll deal with it when I get back. Thank you for texting Ashton to go check on him,” Camille shook the thoughts out of her head and put her game face on.

“I'll see you when you get back,” Cher gave her another quick hug before waving to Stephen who was already waiting for Camille in the terminal.

Before Camille made it to the escalator to head up to check in her phone dinged. Cher had sent her a $10 Starbucks gift card knowing Camille needed a pick me up.

Cher checked her messages seeing two missed calls from Calum and a text from Ashton.

Cal's drinking and in a bad way. I'm gonna stay over here at least until he passes out. He tried to call you, Camille has him blocked. Did they really break up?

Cher answered him

Camille won't talk to him until she gets back. He acted like a complete asshole and I don't want to talk to him either. Camille hasn't decided what to do yet I'll explain later.

Ashton set his phone down. “The girls don't want to talk to you right now.”

Calum nodded, he was now sitting on the floor with his knees pulled to his chest. Duke kept nudging at him and Calum would almost smile. Ashton had gotten some of the story out of him but Calum couldn't bring himself to repeat the worst he'd said. After a couple hours of drinking and listening to sad songs Ashton put him to bed and texted Cher.

I'm staying here tonight. I hope Camille is ok, Calum is too upset to talk about it but he knows he's wrong

Cher smiled and messaged back

Thank you for not defending him but still supporting him. I'll see you tomorrow daddy

Ashton chuckled and squeezed his dick through his pants glad this fight between their best friends wasn't coming between them.

Calum had spent two days holed up with his laptop and journal in his music room with Duke. Ashton checked up on him but they didn't talk much as Calum was watching the all the ProFantasySports live streams and scribbling down song ideas. Calum was laid out on the floor with his laptop watching Camille's interview on SportsTalk and Ashton was fiddling around on the piano when they both jumped at the sound of the front door slamming.

Footsteps came thundering up the stairs before Luke burst into the room.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Luke was angry and accusing.

Calum flinched at his words and Ashton stood up “Luke you don't know the whole story,” he said trying to calm him down.

“Actually I do, I was on the phone with her last night because she couldn't sleep,” Luke fumed. “He basically accused her of lying, wanting to cheat on him with her ex, and, this is the best part, accused her of using sex to get ahead in her career.”

Ashton was stunned and Calum couldn't meet their eyes, his face burning with shame.  

“The worst part is the timing of it. Camille feels like you’re trying  to sabotage her job. You need to figure out your insecurities and your jealousy because while she's going to forgive you this time, you will lose her if you keep it up,” Luke sat down and his expression softened. “I know you love her. I want to see you guys make it.”

“What did you come back from your vacation with Summer just to yell at him?” Ashton asked slightly annoyed.

“Did you and Summer have a good time?” Calum asked.

“Yes, thank you. We're really good right now” Luke replied. “I'm not here to fight. I'm here to help you get your girl back.”

“Wait did you say she forgave him?” Ashton asked.

“No she hasn't yet but she wants to. He needs to convince her, and we're going to help.”

The party was going strong but Camille wasn't really having fun. She'd escorted the contest winners around from breakfast, a day in the NFL Zone meeting players and testing their pass, punt, and catching skills before ending the day at a charity dinner. She'd promised Brandon Pearcy she'd drop by his party tonight and Stephen agreed to tag along. Being a sports agent Brandon had gone all out, he had clients on both the Rams and the Patriots so they'd split house down the middle, blue and gold on one side with silver, red and blue on the other. The food was themed accordingly, New England had lobster rolls, crab cakes, fried clams, Greek pizza, fluffer nutter sandwiches and whoopie pies. L.A. served up french dip sandwiches, Pink's chili cheese dogs, Pho, shrimp tacos, chicken and waffles and rice krispie treat chocolate chip cookies.

Brandon was always friendly and introduced her to several big name players. Rob Gronkowski, Tony Gonzalez, Calvin Johnson, Cam Newton and even Odell Beckham Jr who was extremely good looking and very flirty. People were snapping and posting pics and Camille couldn't shake the feeling she was doing something wrong.

“Camille,” a familiar voice was at her side and she looked up to see Quentin standing there.

She jerked back, panicking when he put his hand on her arm.

“Easy now, baby girl I didn't mean to scare you.” Camille relaxed seeing the concern on his face.

“Sorry I was lost in thought. You scared me.” Camille put her hand on her chest.

“You looked miserable,” he told her with a laugh before she noticed his eyes catch something across the room distracting him for a second.

Before she could turn around his attention was back on her “I know this is a work event for you but come hit this blunt,” he spoke quietly leading her out to a side patio where several people were smoking.

Camille took a puff and Quentin leaned down to talk to her.

“You need to leave this party. Brandon is going to make a move on you and he can be very aggressive and very nasty if he doesn't get his way.”

“Q, why are you telling me this? You think I can't handle myself?” Camille kept smiling and her voice low.

“Please trust me this one time, this will get ugly if you stay. His dealer just showed up and Brandon on cocaine It's something you don't want to see. It's only 9:30 my dude was just talking about getting out of here and hitting up this bar he knows that's got some decent food, you should go with the girls. I'll tell Brandon you're fighting with your boyfriend and left.” Quentin stopped when she looked surprised and hurt. “Damn I'm sorry, I was just making shit up. I'll go get your boy Stephen and we'll turn this night around.”

Quentin went back into the party and Camille found herself being surrounded and hustled out of the house by three women she'd just met.

They stopped once they got to the driveway and one of them began laughing “Well that was dramatic.” She stuck her hand out “Hi, I'm Brittany. This is Shay and that's Megan.”

“Nice to meet y'all. I'm still a bit confused as to what just happened,” Camille shook her hand.

Stephen, Quentin and three other guys were right behind them. Camille recognized two of them as  NFL players Patrick and Von. The other one, Jalen, she knew personally from her guest appearances on his ESPN show “Two Minute Warning.”

They ended up at Vortex for burgers before finding a silly karaoke bar. For the first time since she'd arrived in Atlanta she was actually having fun. Camille wasn't even worried about posting pics to Instagram, let Calum be mad. She wasn't doing anything wrong and if he couldn't see that then he had to go. Of course the thought of actually breaking up with him made her feel like someone knocked the wind out of her. She blocked that thought almost as soon as it popped into her head.

Tonight was her night with her new friends. Quentin left before midnight to make the teams curfew the rest of the group stay till closing at 3am. Camille had to be up at 11 AM to appear on Two Minute Warning in a surprise guest appearance. Camille texted Cher the details before getting some much needed sleep.

Cher hadn't ever had a Super Bowl party without Camille which made it really weird. Camille usually went all out with a Tex Mex taco bar but Cher went instead with pizza and chicken wings. It was the first time Cher had seen Calum since he stormed out of her house the night of the fight. She was pleased to see he looked like hell. He deserved it for making her best friend cry. Aside from that everyone seemed to be in a decent mood. They all cheered through Camille's segment where she dissected, correctly as it turned out, just how and why the Patriots would win. Everybody was in a great mood, and then the game started.

“Be serious, that game was a fucking snooze” Camille joked with Stephen as they presented their boarding passes to go home.

“The halftime show was worse than I thought it would be,” Stephen responded. “Both Sicko Mode and Sweet Victory deserved better.”

Camille laughed but then the Dramamine kicked in and she knocked out for the flight. Cher picked her up at the terminal.

“I hope you know Calum went all out for your return,” Cher warned her as they drove home.

“Mmmm we'll see,” Camille tried not to smile.

“Are you still mad?” Cher asked her.

“Yes, but I really missed him,” Camille sighed.

Walking in she immediately saw the place was filed with pink roses. She headed upstairs to her room and saw tulips strewn out on her bed with an envelope in the center.

Opening it she recognized Calum's messy handwriting and sat down on her bed to read.

My Darling Camille,

There is no excuse for how I treated you and I can't tell you how deeply ashamed and sorry I am. You are the best thing that has happened to me and I'm so afraid of losing you. I've already put you through so much I feel like an asshole asking you to forgive me. I should've never acted like you had to choose between me or your job. Your career is your life the same way mine is and that was completely unfair. You love what you do, you're brilliant, funny and I am so proud of everything you've accomplished. I didn't mean to act like you ever have to choose and I'm truly sorry.

The rest of what I said is completely inexcusable. I lost my mind for a second and lashed out at you and while there's no taking back what I said please know that I didn't mean it. I never thought you would cheat on me. My jealousy is all on me and I'm an absolute twat for behaving like that.

I know words are empty unless they're followed by changed behavior. I want us to really talk this out and I want to be more open with you. I've never been good at expressing my feelings but I want this to work. I want us to work. I have more to say but I'd really like to do it in person. Please give me another chance.

Yours Always

   Calum

Luke watched as Calum paced back and forth staring at his phone. It had been almost an hour since they'd seen Cher's car come back from the airport. Calum was sweating and looked nauseous. There was a knock at the door and Luke saw Calum slump in relief when he answered.

“I thought we should talk,” Camille said before she saw Luke “hey peanut, are you guys busy?”

“NO,” both men answered in unison.

“I talk to you guys later,” Luke gave Camille a quick kiss on the cheek and quickly left.

Camille found herself wrapped up tightly in Calum's arms the second the door closed.

“Camille I am so sorry. I'm an idiot and an asshole. Please don't leave me, I want to be better for you.” Calum was trying not to lose it, barely choking out the words.

They stood there like that, both of them crying together, his face buried in her hair and her face pressed to his chest. Until Camille finally had to pull free because she was all stuffy. Returning from the bathroom wiping her eyes she found Calum splashing his face with cold water at the sink. She came up behind him hugging his waist before he turned and picked her up setting her on the counter.

He looked her in her eyes, “so are we ok?”

Camille nodded, “yes but this can't happen again. Mistakes will be made and this won't be our last fight, but I don't want to keep having the same fight. Respect is the minimum I expect from you. My job is going to get hectic next fall and you're going back on the road. We're going to have enough problems without creating new ones for no reason. I need you to talk to me., I need you to trust me. You're so good at hiding your feelings babe, I never thought about you being insecure. I look at you and see Calum Hood: this gorgeous rock star who I'm lucky enough to be with. I can't imagine you'd ever think you weren't enough.” Camille brushed his curls off his face and stroked his jaw.

“I just think you're amazing and you could do better than me,” Calum couldn't meet her eyes now. “Honestly you could do better than most of the guys you're around. None of them are good enough for you either.”

“You saw the pictures?” Camille asked.

Calum nodded looking guilty. “I watched all your live streams and checked your Insta and Twitter constantly.”

“And?” Camille raised her eyebrows.

“And it was the first time I saw you smile since you got to Atlanta. I'm a complete dickhead for ruining your trip. I'm glad you got to have some fun,” Calum met her eyes again. “I have a surprise for you if you'll come upstairs.”

“Calum we are not jumping into bed. I couldn't anyways,” Camille laughed before giving him a light kiss on the lips.

“No come upstairs to the music room,” Calum put her back on the floor and pulled at her sleeve.

She followed him upstairs and he sat her in a chair before getting behind his piano. He cleared his throat and Camille could see he was nervous but once he started to play and sing Camille was left in awe of his talents.

I was just coastin' Never really goin anywhere Caught up in a web I was gettin kinda used to stayin' there And out of the blue I fell for you

Now you're lifting me up, instead of holding me down Stealing my heart instead of stealing my crown Untangled all the strings round my wings that were tied I didn't know her and I didn't know me Cloud nine was always out of reach Now I remember what it feels like to fly You give me butterflies

Kiss full of color makes me wonder where you've always been I was hiding in doubt till you brought me out of my chrysalis And I came out new All because of you

Now you're lifting me up instead of holding me down Stealing my heart instead of stealing my crown Untangled all the strings round my wings that were tied I didn't know her and I didn't know me Cloud nine was always out of reach Now I remember what it feels like to fly You give me butterflies, yeah You give me butterflies

Now you're lifting me up instead of holding me down You're taking my hand instead of taking my crown Untangled all the strings round my wings that were tied I didn't know you and I didn't know me Cloud nine was always out of reach Now I remember what it feels like to fly You give me butterflies You give me butterflies

“Calum, that was beautiful,” Camille was trying not to cry.

Calum motioned for her to come sit in his lap and when she did he kissed her and looked her in the eye. “I'm sorry for everything. I love you and don't want to lose you.”

“Calum do you know what you just said?” Camille was stunned.

“Yes,” he was smiling at her his eyes bright. “I love you my darling Camille, my everything, my queen.”

“I love you too Calum,” Camille had more to say but it was smothered by his kiss.

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